My personal evidence board.

The importance of gaining clarity on the roles people play in our lives.

CSI. NCIS. SVU. You know all those crime shows with acronym titles. 

I don’t watch them, but I’ve seen enough to know that they probably all have at least one episode where a board like this is featured: 

I’m going to tell you a secret–don’t think I’m insane—don’t unsubscribe—but I have one of these boards in my head. JUST STICK WITH ME FOR A MINUTE. 

The board in my head isn’t used for evidence. See I’m already sounding more sane right? 

It’s a board of my social connections.

No, I’m not making a mental board of the humans in my life because I fear one of them is a murderer. It’s because over the past several years I’ve gained real clarity on the role each plays in my life. Lemme tell you, this is an achievement for someone with a pretty strong codependency streak. 

For a long time, I assumed that every person in my life possessed the universal ability to meet my needs. 

This was a recipe for hurt feelings, shattered expectations and resentment. It was like expecting my plumber to be as skilled in carpentry, auto repair and baking as they were fixing my toilet.

It was also not a loving thing to do and didn’t allow my friends the chance to display the best sides of themselves. Each person that I allow into my life has their own unique experiences, skills and values. Therefore, some people are going to shine brighter in some areas than others. Ready for another metaphor? I stopped trying to force a wrench to be a hammer. 

Here’s how I use my mental board of connections.

Step 1: Get clear on my needs & expectations. 

Why am I about to call this person? Do I need reassurance? Do I need someone to celebrate with me? Do I need a kick in the ass? Do I just need a warm body on the other end of the phone? 

Step 2: Consult the map and identify the person best suited to meet that need. 

For example, there are some friends who are really great at sharing my excitement even if they don’t fully “get” what I’m doing or wouldn’t choose it for themselves. They are just genuinely happy that I’m happy. It’s not that the rest of the people on my board are miserable and are never happy for me. Their way of showing love might be to air on the side of caution and concern. However, if I pick up the phone and call those people, I may be let down when I get a less than enthusiastic response. 

Again–my plumber *might* be able to fumble around and change my oil, but they might not do it as efficiently as someone else. 

Step 3: Remind myself that this person might not be able to meet my needs at that moment. 

Life happens. I might really need to problem solve with a friend, but their car is broken down on the side of the highway, or they might not have the energy. This is why it’s important to know who else would be a good fit and also be resourced enough to handle what’s happening alone in that moment.

Step 4: Ask for what I need! 

This can be hard! In fact, right now it’s the most challenging part for me.  I am still practicing taking up space within my friendships. Because I am who I am, I tend to be the person who holds space for others. Since that’s the established pattern in some of my relationships, I have to actively take control of the conversation or else my needs may go out the window. It’s up to me to say: “Hey I need you to celebrate with me for a few minutes. Is now a good time to share some news?” or “I’m super stressed out right now. Can I run this situation by you for your thoughts?”.  

Do I sound a little less crazy now? 

I think it’s important to mention that my board isn’t filled to the brim with people. 

I have a small social network–in fact finding ways to increase it has been one of my larger personal challenges. There’s needs I’ve identified that don’t have a good match for. For example, I am largely lacking in having a person to go enjoy a show or museum with. It’s not that I couldn’t drag someone along, or couldn’t go by myself, but it would be more enjoyable to experience with someone who has a similar level of appreciation.

Sometimes, I still miss the mark and call the person who might not be the best fit. This tends to happen mostly with my older friendships, probably because those were forged when I was walking around with a different operating system. It could also be because for better or worse we tend to expect the most from the people we are closest with. 

Lastly, while we are built to be in community with others, it is still incredibly important that we are able to meet our own needs as best as possible for the times others aren’t available. I’ve worked incredibly hard at that and while it’s not often my first preference, I know that I can do it.

Getting clarity on the roles people play in my life has been a game changer. 

It’s actually led to deeper connections. I’m placing less pressure on a handful of people and instead sharing the Maggie wealth. It’s allowed my friends to leverage their strengths and feel valued. It’s allowed me to feel supported in ways I never had before. So while it may be creepy to sit and make an actual board of your social network, I would encourage you to at least think of the people in your world and see if you can identify the roles they play for you.