I’m not sure where it went.
Part of me thinks that if I look hard enough I’ll find it tucked inside an old wallet keeping an empty gum wrapper company.
The small piece of haphazardly ripped paper traveled with me for so long that even if I could find it the ink that once read, “what made you a decent human being today” is likely illegible.
Even though the paper is gone, I don’t ever want to forget that question.
It is a reminder of my sometimes slow, sometimes stalling, ascent to self-worth.
“What made you a decent human being today” is the question my therapist scrawled on a notepad and handed me after I continued to come up with a rebuttal at any attempt of finding something to pat myself on the back for. If I remember correctly, my response usually sounded like, “I just did what someone should do and that’s nothing to write home about. Any decent human being would do the same”. So that’s where we started. I took the piece of paper, tucked it into my wallet, and began to gather evidence that I was indeed a decent human and not a serial killer.
The paper first served as a reminder to look, then a reminder that someone saw something other than a flawed human, and lastly a symbol of where I started and a bit of a sentimental “good luck” charm. I moved it from wallet to wallet until someday, I didn’t need it anymore and lost track of its whereabouts.
I’m sharing this because I’ve been thinking a lot about my own journey.
I’ve been wracking my brain trying to remember what tools or knowledge would have helped me along the way. While it’s a good problem to have, it’s also a little alarming that I’ve started to lose sight of where I started. That got me thinking about all of the people who are where I was when that paper got tucked into my wallet.
It’s a great thing that there’s more discourse and resources about self-discovery and well-being than ever before.
But part of me worries that for those who are just starting to peek behind the doors they’ve had shut and barricaded, even the most well-meaning, basic TikTok or “3 Steps to Boost Your _____” carousel on Instagram might seem too daunting—too out of reach.
If you are one of those people, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t doing the work—you are.
I want you to know that it’s okay to be unable to get an affirmation out of your mouth. Keep trying.
It’s okay if your gratitude list is more of a gratitude word. Keep writing.
…and it’s okay if you have to start by asking yourself, what made me a decent human being today? Keep looking.
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