I'm uncomfortable and tired.
Not because I'm out of the country for the first time in years, or because, as a result, my bathroom schedule is slightly off (iykyk), but because I'm in good company. No, that's not a typo. I'm uncomfortable because I'm in good company. Let me explain.
I usually stroll through the world, fairly well-adjusted, self-aware, and confident. I'm able to do so because I've poured years of work into myself. Most of my relationships are like a well-worn flannel. They're comfortable, cozy, and secure. We've settled into the roles we play for each other, and one of the hats I tend to wear most is the wise one, the reliable one, the one who people can turn to because she has her 'shit figured out' and, in turn, can help them figure out theirs.
I love being that person—hello, it's what I do for a living—but as a result, I'm not often challenged or pushed to stretch my brain and beliefs in a way that will help me grow. It's not because they don't want to be helpful; it's simply because these legacy relationships are rooted in a time where my default was to connect transactionally and I believed I had to 'do something or offer something' in order to belong. I've grown to trust that my legacy people love me beyond my doing, but the truth is, when I am in the middle of growing pains, it feels like they don't know what to do with me. They can hold space for my pain and will throw me a lifeline if things go awry, but when I'm in the messy middle, I'm on my own.
Suddenly, I find myself swimming in the uncharted waters of transformational relationships.
I've spent days in the presence of good company who see my growing pains, and whose first impulse is not to throw me a rescue ladder but rather to ask me the hard questions and hold me accountable to the potential and vision I have for myself and the impact it has on others. They've invited me to step into my growth zone and offered insights which, whether they were accurate or not, pushed me to think about my behavior and beliefs.
Honestly, this is something no one in my life has ever done, outside of a therapeutic relationship, and it's dredged up a lot of my deep-seated fears, insecurities, and maladaptive patterns. Some days, so much so, that my body is screaming, 'DANGER, DANGER,' and telling me to sprint in the other direction. I even felt defensive, a feeling that hasn't been deployed in years. It has me shook, vulnerable, and tender.
But the beauty is that even though my nervous system is attempting to tell me otherwise, there is no threat. This person sees me, believes in me, and wants the best for me no matter what form that takes. There is no scorekeeping or timelines, just an invitation to show up wholly, honestly, take up space, and trust. And GOOD GOD, that is terrifying and magical all at the same time. But that's exactly what growth feels like, isn't it? And so I lean in…
Come to a Free Workshop:
Poetry as Medicine: Reading and Writing Poetry for Self-Care - 4/28 8:00am EST
Messy Meditation: A No Hassle Approach - 4/28 9:00am EST
Introvert’s Writing Circle: Discover Your Power -5/5 9:00am EST
Sending you some positive vibes! This is the hard work, but it’s also the good work. ❤️
Inspiring. Keep it up ❤️