I'm creative, damnit!
I was not disconnected because of this part, but because it was stifled—I was stifled
“Holy shit, I’m creative!” The realization was as electrifying as the moment when a new puppy sits on command. However, the witnesses to my “aha” moment shared more excitement over the scrambled eggs shifting on my plate than the seismic shift that occurred within me. Dogs don’t understand self-actualization because they’ve never had to strive for it; that’s why we love them.
My creativity has always existed. In fact, I believe that each of us is inherently creative, but until last week, I allowed “creativity” to be overshadowed by a strength that’s more utilitarian, more culturally acceptable—“problem-solving.” It seems obvious—what makes a good problem-solver is creativity. I’ve known that to be true for a long time, but I had a lot of work to do, lots of de-conditioning, lots of unmasking, before this gift was revealed to me, before I could embody it.
I gave myself permission and space to unknowingly plant the seeds of this reclamation over the last two years. Slower mornings, more time in nature, new relationships with people who share similar values, and most importantly, allowing my heart into the decision-making process. I believe that creativity rides on the same wavelength as spirituality. I imagine that each time I allow myself to lean into faith, lean into trust, lean into the unknown and discomfort, I am signaling—I am here. I am ready. I am listening.
It’s taken a lot of work to get to this place, and even more curiosity. I can now look back and recognize that it was my disconnection from this part of myself, the lack of outlets and support it was given, that led me to feel so unseen, so disconnected in the first place. I was not unseen and disconnected because of this part, but because it was stifled—I was stifled. Which is why each time I choose my creativity, my heart and world expand.
While I had put in the work to complete the majority of this jigsaw puzzle, it was an activity I came across in The Lightmaker’s Manifesto that nudged some of the pieces into place. It asked you to write about three people you found inspirational to help uncover your values. I’ve never enjoyed these types of questions before because my head always got in the way by analyzing what my choices would signify before allowing them to land on the paper. I love doing any type of values work, and this was a new spin, so I allowed myself to lean in despite my initial eye roll.
I scrawled down three names rapidly: Isabella Stewart Gardner, Mary Oliver,
. I looked down, surprised.My brain came online: “These people are all visionaries, all artists, all creatives. I am certainly not that.”
Then back to curiosity: “But they are all tremendously playful and funny.” That I could claim for myself and desperately want more of. I continued writing.
“They are all spiritual in their own right and had a knack for noticing things others didn’t.” I could check that box as well.
“Each of these women allowed their work to be an invitation for others to contemplate their own inner worlds and connection to something larger.” This is what I want my work to be.
“They all doubled down on authenticity.” My choices over the last few years are baby steps on this path.
I circled back to my initial doubts: visionaries, artists, creatives—and this time thought, “Why not me?”
This fall, I’m launching a new project, Promptly Heal, with one goal in mind: to make journaling less serious, more playful, yet powerful. Curious?