I want you to choose yourself.

Once I made the choice to stop playing Maggie and actually be Maggie, I started to gain momentum. I felt empowered. Choosing ourselves is not selfish.

Dec 27, 2022

Wading in deeper.

I started a blog last winter as space for me to post some of my more “polished” thoughts as I navigated caretaking for my mom and grieving my dad.

I started this newsletter 3 weeks ago.

I don’t know where all these words will land me, but I do know that the more I write and share the more expansive I feel. I’ll take that as a good sign.

So, this morning I am going from dipping my toes in the water to wading out up to my knees.

I am ratcheting up the authenticity and vulnerability. In the word’s of my favorite saint, Brené Brown, cue the vulnerability hangover.

I want you to choose yourself.

Once upon a time I was playing the role of Maggie. You see, being the oldest daughter in a family whose baseline was survival mode served with a healthy heap of Irish Catholic guilt, meant I spent my teens and majority of my 20’s completely removed from myself. I plugged along checking the boxes of all the unspoken expectations I thought existed for me. Get good grades. Go to college. Graduate college. Start my career. Get a master’s degree.

When my younger brother opted not go to college, I remember thinking, “NO ONE TOLD ME THAT WAS A CHOICE”.

I was anxious. I was depressed. My eating was disordered. I lacked meaningful connection. I had a constant need for control. The ironic part was I didn’t even know what I was trying to control. I hadn’t intentionally chose a damn thing for my life, but I sure had myself fooled.

Once I made the choice to stop playing Maggie and actually be Maggie, I started to gain momentum. I felt empowered. Choosing ourselves is not selfish. Choosing ourselves actually allows us to offer more to the world.

Choosing myself is why I have survived every one of my darkest days.

Choosing myself is what allowed me to be my mom’s caretaker despite my complicated relationship with her.

Choosing myself is what allows me to walk alongside others on their own healing journeys.

I’m going to end this newsletter with an entry from my journal written just over a year ago, spelling mistakes, bruises and all.

For context, this entry was written 1,800 days after my brother died by suicide, 29 days after my mom received a formal diagnosis of ALS, and 19 days my dad’s death.

I was in the midst of some heavy SHIT.

I’m wading out of my comfort zone by sharing this, but I’m following what I feel called to do these days.

I hope by getting a glimpse into my world, you’ll start to see that when you choose yourself you can find ways to thrive even during your darkest of seasons.

How will you choose yourself today?