10 Tips to Navigate the In-Between
how to live in the messy middle
Despite some days feeling like the end of times, I’ve been talking a lot about the middle. Over and over again this week, conversations with friends and clients have centered on how to live in the messy middle. In a world where deep polarization generates unsafe and downright hostile environments for many, it is nothing short of ironic that binary thinking is exactly what many of us unleash when faced with fear and powerful emotions.
Stepping toward the mess—toward the in-between—takes courage and can be downright terrifying. The middle is the land of ‘ands’:
Joyful and sorrowful. Inspired and uncertain. Energized and weary. Determined and hesitant. Loving and hurt. Confident and insecure.
Many have grown ready to let go of the sides of the swimming pool. They have an inkling that in the depths of the middle, they may be able to finally loosen their grip, relax, and float on the certainty and comfort of surrender. But unlike a real swimming pool, no one has taught us how to swim in these waters.
For so long, I clung to the side. Actually, if I’m really being honest, I sat on the ladder attached to the side, dipping only my toes in. Eventually, with a lot of work, I got deep enough that only my fingertips touched the side, but losing my parents was a cannonball that forced me to lose my grip.
Many that I’ve spoken with are in the wake of their own personal cannonball moments and entertaining the notion that maybe the side of the pool isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Yet, they keep swimming back there and are terrified to let go of their own accord.
I’m proud to say that I’ve let go a few times on my own now, so when someone asked me point blank this week, “Yeah, but how do you do that… how can I live in that space?” I actually had some thoughts, although I saved them all for this newsletter.
I believe the strokes that help each of us courageously swim and frolic in the middle each have their own unique flair. So, while I can’t tell you the formula that will help you let go, I can share what’s helped me navigate life in the in-between.
10 Tips to Navigate the In-Between
1. Find a wild animal and obsess over it.
Mine were Baltimore Orioles, then hummingbirds, blue jays and crows. Life in the in-between allows us to connect deeper to the natural world, and when you start to slow down and notice the critters, they sometimes offer quite the insights.
2. You’ll probably talk out loud to yourself (and inanimate objects) frequently—don’t be alarmed.
Okay, sometimes I yelled. Instead of drowning out the hard shit, the middle means feeling it and I’ve had many anger filled conversation with my reflection and sobbing choking conversations with my pillows.
3. Don’t underestimate the power of an oracle deck.
Just embrace the woo-woo you’re pretending you don’t have. Sometimes we need help to turn down the mental chatter and turning up the volume on our intuition and there’s nothing like a fresh deck of cards.
4. Find an empty jar and put a dollar in it every time you say, “I just don’t understand why/how come…”
I wish someone gave me this piece of advice that would've made my fragile entrepreneurial bank account ecstatic. The in-between requires us to admit that there are some things that we will never understand, but god our rational brains hate that, so the least you can do is pay for a vacation each time you catch yourself trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
5. Be prepared for people to look at you like you have eight heads and to feel you’re speaking in tongues.
I find this happens most often in grocery stores. It’s very disorienting for someone when you counter their doom and gloom small talk with an anecdote about how beautiful the hydrangeas are this year.
6. Get ready for a trip to the toy store.
I’ve cried more in the middle but I’ve also played more. There’s permission to play in the in-between. Embrace that unashamed inner child that can’t help but curiously create.
7. Invest in noise canceling headphones.
There’s sometimes where the world feels really loud for me now. The in-between has meant living more open-hearted and sometimes I just need to escape into the land of Lofi or Noah Kahan.
8. Light things on fire, but make sure you have a backup fuel source.
I highly encourage burning a list of your fears to help you release your grip. Just make sure you have a good lighter. Once I was left with a half charred list of insecurities and…well….it was a little embarrassing.
9. You’re not high or dying, sometimes things look more vivid.
Spending time in the middle inherently meant being more present for me and let me tell you sometimes the sky has never looked so blue.
10. It’s okay to take a breather on the edge of the pool or put on some swimmies.
Sometimes there is something really tasty—a joy on one side of the pool that we seek to savor, other times our world gets shaken up so much survival demands we resource and head toward the edge. My therapist was instrumental as I courageously splashed in the deep end and now am so grateful to witness and walk alongside my own clients as they do so. Be gentle with your courage. Be gentle with yourself.
The middle isn’t for the faint of heart, but the rewards are vast. The in-between is where we learn to dance with paradox, become comfortable with uncertainty, and discover strengths and beauties we never knew existed.
Are you thinking about joining us? We can flail around together, laugh until we cry, and most definitely discover a little of magic along the way.
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